JackAssery Bloggers

Uncle!!!!!!!

2011-04-03T20:51:00.000-04:00

Last night at around 3:00 AM, my tranquility was disturbed

when my son and his buddy Blake, decided to fire up my Weber

and grill some Shish Kabobs. When I got up this morning to go

to Tim Horton's, My driveway looked like Booger Hole West

Virginia. I wasn't happy about my Milk Can being used for a BBQ

stand, OR the empty goosenecks laying around....

Three hours later Mother Nature decided to lay a belated April

Fools joke on us here in Michigan. Grrrrrrr.....

Have a Kick Ass Week Everybody!!!

Welfare Poem. (what do you think?)

2008-05-17T23:22:00.002-04:00

I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there, Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, 'You come no more, We send cash right to your door.' Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy..
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.'
They come in turbans and Ford trucks, I buy big house with welfare bucks
They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away, Now I buy his house, and then I say,
'Find more aliens for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash,
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
American crazy!
He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
It is interesting that the federal government provides a single refugee with a monthly allowance of $1,890.00 and each > can also get an additional $580.00 in social assistance for a total of$2,470.00.
this compares very well to a single pensioner who after contributing to the growth and development o f America for 40 to 50 years can only receive a monthly maximum of $1,012.00 in old age pension and Guaranteed Income Supplement.
Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!
Lets send this to all Americans, so we can all be ticked off andmaybe we can get the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensionersup to $2,470 00 and enjoy some of the money we were forced to submit tothe Government over the last 40 or 50 years.

Farm Life

2008-04-10T18:51:00.000-04:00

Dumb photos

2008-03-29T23:48:00.015-04:00

I love this picture, because some days you wish you could say this to someone but just know that you'd suffer even more!

Its one of those days. Below are some photos of stupid things that happen and someone caught it.

Nice! Do you feel save with these guys on duty?

Ummm ok I dont want them driving for me.

Now this wasnt stupid really other than the fact is where is the bathroom? Way over at the other end? Better not have to go very badly!

oops!

Honestly how do they end up like this?

Poor Ronald his house burned to the ground! From what I understand someone left one of the deep fryers on! Thats a no-no

This has been on the internet before but I wanted to share it again. This is why if your gonna cheat make it the ground floor! lol

OMG I'm going deaf just looking at this!

Another one thats been on the internet before. But you know I never knew this really could happen, I thought there was no way they could just drive off and the hose would come with I thought that it would just drop to the ground. Mr Gab (who works at a station/store said it happens more than you would believe.)

And finally where did they go to school?

AND THEY CALL US JACKASSES!

2008-03-16T23:20:00.000-04:00

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said Were sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded,
"That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE and our enemies know it!!!

OOOOHHHH SEXY

2008-03-12T11:30:00.003-04:00

You

know

it's

almost Summer

when

the girls

start

showing off their

belly buttons...

School 1960 vs. School 2008

2008-02-28T10:11:00.002-05:00

School 1960 vs. School 2008

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1960 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school
1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies
2008 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his nei ghbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes s ome Aspirin to school
1960 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.
1960 - Pedro goes to summer scho ol, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist.USCivil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1960 - Ants die.
2008 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

We all have days like this!

2008-02-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

A little
old lady from
Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old
enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little
compensation.

When
canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the
1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan . The
producers wanted a rhyme beginning with
"Carnation Milk is best of all."

She
thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can
do this!

She
sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of
her house. A man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so
much, we are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use
it!"

Big Storm

2008-02-20T17:42:00.002-05:00

DO YOU HAVE ALZHEIMER'S? CHECK HERE NOW

2008-02-07T20:12:00.000-05:00

>>Quick Check for Alzheimer's>>>>

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

Cute A$$

2008-02-01T15:37:00.001-05:00

How smart are you?

2008-01-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

http://www.flashbynight.com/test

Take this test and becareful its timed! (I'm not smart I'm sorry to say)

Oops, Poops

2008-01-23T19:39:00.000-05:00

Hotness

2008-01-16T18:06:00.001-05:00

JackAssery

2008-01-11T16:20:00.000-05:00

GO BUCKS!!!!

2008-01-08T19:04:00.000-05:00

Yep, I sure hope my Buckeyes win tonight. They better because I'll be up way past my bedtime watching them. Wouldn't want to stay up real late just to watch us lose. That would suck for sure! It would especially suck if I ate through the entire game having to watch us lose. Yep, sure would suck to stay up late, eating everything in the house, watching us lose.

New Rules

2007-12-30T01:19:00.000-05:00

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega bag of M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

2007-12-26T07:41:00.000-05:00

I say we keep this here blog around for fun stuff. What does everyone else think?

Gab

2007-12-24T09:34:00.001-05:00

More Free Graphics at pYzam.com

Enjoy

2007-12-22T22:39:00.000-05:00

Click the link and enjoy. Merry Christmas all.

HUMOR......My Living Will

2007-12-20T09:45:00.000-05:00

MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.

Think You Got Mad Skilz?

2007-12-19T10:46:00.000-05:00

Skill testing question...

Which one do you think is the blonde?

Answer is shown below:

The blonde is the only one with her right leg up.

Yes....Things Could Be Much Worse....

2007-12-16T11:01:00.000-05:00

So.....You think that YOU are having a bad day?????

CHEER-UP!!!!!

A Lesson

2007-12-14T11:43:00.000-05:00

For years I got to hear every single Christmas about how to correctly stuff a stocking. My mother-in-law swears up, down, and sideways there is only one right way to pack a stocking and I do NOT adhere to her standard. According to her, a stocking should be filled with socks, underwear, school supplies and toiletries. Each individual item, even a single pencil, should be wrapped before being stuffed (I am thinking she oughta be wrapped and stuffed, but I digress).

I, on the other hand, put an orange in the toe, an apple in the heel, then nuts on top, then candy, then whatever room is left gets fun little toys, or puzzles, or gadgets. Every year I hear about the inherent wrongness of my method and the superiority of hers. Sorry, I gotta do the fruit, nuts and candy thing. But over the years I have packed hers with toiletries, office supplies, etc, in an attempt to shut her u....um...keep her happy. But every year I hear about my great moral failing as a stuffer of stockings.

Finally a few years ago, I decided to skip the fruit and nuts and candy for her stocking. I got her a nice little 'Burt's Bees' toiletry pack, a set of pens and the mechanical pencils she likes for her crossword puzzles, and a pair of thick slipper socks. Each item was individually wrapped. This left underwear as the sole item she required for a perfectly stuffed stocking. After retreiving all the other items, she reached way into the toe of the stocking and pulled out a final tiny wrapped gift. Her face beamed in anticipation as she seemed hopeful that through years of incessant nagging I had finally been converted. Her fingers trembled as she ripped the paper away to reveal ...........

a gigantic fruit printed thong!

Is It A Good Idea To Microwave Christmas Lights?

2007-12-13T18:22:00.000-05:00

I came across this little gem while surfing the net. I thought it would be a perfect addition.

I got a new pet today

2007-12-13T15:05:00.000-05:00

But Im not sure what to feed him.

Equal Time

2007-12-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

I really think we need equal time here...

Dear Santa, I have been fairly good so I think you will find me on the nice list. If not, I promise to make it up next year. So any chance of sending Mrs Santa over for Christmas???

PLEEEEEEEZ

2007-12-12T19:53:00.000-05:00

I've been a good girl all year long.

Think I've got too much time on my hands?

2007-12-11T20:11:00.000-05:00

Yep! So the solution? Make a santa face out of your big toe. You know, I thought long and hard about making reindeer of the other toes, but couldn't find anything to make the antlers out of.....anywhooooo doncha ya love the festive cast?

DEAR SANTA

2007-12-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

You sure are looking tasty er, good this year. What do you say we skip the presents and cuddle up with some hot cocoa and take a nice long nap?

DEAR SANTA

2007-12-11T19:41:00.000-05:00

You sure are looking tasty er, good this year. What do you say we skip the presents and cuddle up with some hot cocoa and take a nice long nap?

Save Our Planet...Part II.........

2007-12-10T09:40:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody!!! Well it seems that last weeks "Save Our Planet" post on The Jack Assery Blog has caught the attention of the entertainment world. Hat's off to our 'good friend' Paris Hilton, for spreading the good word..And in that same ecological spirit, the very talented, and super HOT Fergie, has jumped on the bandwagon to help our cause...Fergie was so appalled at the amount of water wasted with each flush, that she has publicly stated that she will try and "spread the word" about our efforts...So Ladies and Gentlemen, Please give a rousing round of applause to....Fergie!!!!!.....She's PISSALICIOUS.........l

Just for the laughs

2007-12-07T21:24:00.000-05:00

Ok now I'm gonna warn you I never said I was very bright!

Way back when Mr Gab and I were first married, we were driving on a lovely road in St Paul.
Where we came upon this beautiful tower. That like totally looked like a look out tower.
Now I say to Mr Gab "gee I wonder what that tower is used for"
To which Mr Gab replies " That's the tower when Paul Revere Called out "The British are coming"
And I say " really how do you know?"

And we drive for about 5 more miles when all of a sudden it dawns on me.......Paul Revere was like on the East coast when he announced the British were coming NOT IN MINNESOTA!

To this day every time we drive past that tower Mr Gab likes to tease me and tell me the British are coming!
I told you I wasn't very bright.

Tree Forest Progress

2007-12-07T13:06:00.000-05:00

I don't know why I thought Jake's idea to build a forest in our living room was a good one. I guess for the same reason I thought it would be a good idea to lean my weight ... just a smidge .... against the ladies fitting room curtain for balance while I tried to squeeze into a pair of jeans 3 sizes too small. Course my Pillsbury dough self fell thru the curtain out into the public area with my thighs jammed together so tightly all I could do was lay there like a turtle on it's back.
Obviously, my brain doesn't function properly.

To spare you further reading....here are few pics that pretty much tell the story about just how well this tree forest is going.

Naughty? Yes. Wirgin? No

2007-12-06T21:52:00.000-05:00

With 3 kids I ain't sure how I qualify as a wirgin. But these girls are naughty wirgins for sure. And poor Galahad is in such peril!

AN ODE' TO THE DEVILED EGG

2007-12-06T19:09:00.000-05:00

Oh deviled egg how I love you so. All nicely prepared and waiting patiently for me to arrive. You know I'll come right over to you, don't you? Well?

My missions to eat yoooou...

My aim is to eat yooooou...

I'm going to love yoooou...

Oooooh ooo ooo...

I'm going to put yooou...

Inside of a dinner roll....

I'm going to eat yooou...

Oooooh ooo ooo...

How do you feel eggy?

Is it good for you baby?

Do you want me to eat you eggy?

Do you feel like you love?

Ahhhh ah ah

I don't know what the heck I'm doing over here.

Another Candidate

2007-12-06T10:32:00.000-05:00

Mr. Lime and several other 'Band Dads' lug all sorts of equipment for the high school marching and concert bands. Every year they make t-shirts. Usually he (along with all the other dads) tries to find some subtly inappropriate way to piss off the lady who used to be president of the parent association. This was the t-shirt for this year.

Even though the man has almost no idea what a blog is and thinks my computer time is a complete waste, I think he qualifies for honorary inclusion here.

Oh, and I am still curious as to whether or not we may include llamas, alpacas, and the lesser know guanaco on this here blog. What say you all, fellow jackasserists?

Kiss my cheek, sucker!

2007-12-05T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm considering having fat takin outa' my ass and injected into the wrinkles on my face and a little in the lips to puff 'em up real nice. Serves a duel function. I get rid of my wrinkles. And every time somebody gives me a kiss I have the added satisfaction of knowing...I just got my ass kissed. I could use a good ass kissing. Seein' as how I got no money or fame....it's never gonna happen any other way.

And finally...the Christmas "good cheer" question of the day. If an obnoxious little kid stands in the middle of a department store screaming his guts out and his Mother who is 2 feet away doesn't seem to hear him, is he really screaming?

WHAT?

2007-12-05T10:22:00.000-05:00

This poor young man doesn't know what to think of our new blog!

Wanna bet?

2007-12-04T20:57:00.000-05:00

That you won't be able to get this out of your head after you hear it once?

Donkey Porn

THIS PAST SUMMER

2007-12-04T19:49:00.000-05:00

I went to the dentist for something...denistry like. We finish up and I head for home. It was still early in the day and I thought some nice cold beer sounded like a good idea so I went to the drive thru. There was a new guy, he was older and grumpy. I told him what I wanted and he insisted I give him the money first.

Offended, but unwilling to let this guy spoil my good mood, I paid him first and thought I would come back on Saturday and tell the owner about him. The owner likes me.

I get home, put the beer away and head to the bathroom. I stop at the mirror and to my horror I find I have white powder all around my nose area. I just busted out laughing thinking about the beer guy. There I was, mouth still numb, white powder on my nose, and buying beer. I would have called the cops if I had been him. Yep, I would have reported my ass...JackAss. Ahhh ah ah JackAss, get it?

Save Our Planet.........

2007-12-03T08:57:00.000-05:00

ATTENTION: Not all contributions to this blog, need to be silly! We can provide a valuable public service to the Community. Our 'Good Friend' Paris Hilton, is showing everyone how to piss properly when using public facilities!!..Lets hope she washed her hands..Ewwwwww!

...And FYI.!
Each time your toilet is flushed it uses 5-7 gallons of water..Roughly 40% of all the water used in your home is flushed down the toilet! So maybe more women should consider peeing out-side like most men do!
Lets just say, that The G-Man does his part for the ecology of this planet... Peace!

Get Your JackAssery Button!

2007-12-03T06:11:00.000-05:00

If you would like to add this button to your blog send me an email at

signgurl1 at yahoo dot com

and I'll send you the code. Blogger is too asinine to let me post it here.

It's a beginning

2007-11-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

got her up. Now we just gotta do everything else.